i'm beginning to feel that God doesn't particularly like me this year. :(
when last year, i felt like i was living Joseph's (the Dreamer) life, this year, it's worse. i feel God wants me to taste a slice of Job's.
2006 did not start pretty well for me. our IT guy just left (for good) in time for the holidays. one of our computer-dependent Chat channel is on dead-air because it was hit by a virus (which i think was contracted locally). all of our icons are suddenly being converted into Microsoft Word and the author's address? Pagburnayan, Vigan. great! "love thy neighbor." grrr.
i instinctively, er instinctly? checked the other computer-dependent Videoke channel as well and to my surprise, it caught the same virus. 2 channels down at the start of the year.
within the same day, i heard one of our nearby town system had 3 of their channels cut off. disconnected due to nonpayment. we may be at fault here, but by industry standards, we are being overcharged! in a town with less than 300 active subscribers, this program provider is charging us for 350+ subs!
and it didn't end there. a few days later, dad called to inform me that one of our staff in La Union has been stealing money. he's doing the reports properly, but he's not depositing the money. he has been exposed. but i plead partially guilty since it was my job to monitor these things when i do my routine rounds. i have been noticing the late deposits but upon asking the oic, he explained using some of the money to cover for operating expenses. i thought it was a reasonable excuse so i took it lightly. he probably took advantage of my absence for 2 months (the time when i was covering for our 2 staff on maternity leave) and only deposited every after few weeks.
a lot of things have been happening way beyond my control and i feel very frustrated. and useless.
include this latest: i was so paranoid with the 2 virus-hit pcs that i had to protect my laptop too. i performed all the necessary maintenance procedure (defrag, speed disk, optimization) when at the middle of it, my laptop suddenly crashed and displayed an error msg: ntoskrnl.exe is either corrupt or missing. dang!
and so i put it off for a while. i didn't want another problem to bother me while i am still recuperating from my previous miseries. the time came when i had to face it. and face it i did. i was told that it can be remedied by reinstalling the OS. i took out the installer and went through all the process. i don't consider myself techie when it comes to hardware so i just obeyed as instructed by the CD. at the back of my mind i feared that i might lose all my files, yet i was stubborn to just get the installation over and done with. i need to use my laptop! i can't get any work done without it.
the installation was quick and i was happy my laptop would be up and running.. until i found all my files deleted. all the files i'd be needing to be able to work was gone. kaput!
i have no one to blame but myself. for a moment there i just wanna cry :'( i wanna tell myself "i told you so" yet, i feel so utterly stupid!!!
*sigh* i feel like i'm carrying some form of a burden and begin wondering if i have been cursed.
i know i have become materialistic and selfish and stubborn and rebellious lately. and now i have come to my wit's end. i have become proud, thinking i am a super-woman who can do almost anything and fix whatever's broken. but i'm not. and i can't.
God has finally caught my attention.
and i think that's the bottom line. in a busy world that i manage to surround myself in, i became elusive. i wanted out. i wanted to escape for a moment from His hand and live the world i want to live in. do things my way. and feel free inside. my priorities have been messed up. and i've suddenly lost everything i held on to.
but i guess it doesn't work that way. we live by rules and boundaries. and once you go beyond the line, you suffer the consequences. i know He is a jealous God. and i have crossed the border. my attention has been turned to the lures of this world--media, tv, computer, internet-- and away from Him. i have lost sight of my First Love.
i'm sorry, Lord.
P.S. can You at least give me a miracle? or a send me a small sign just so i know You still care? that i am still loved in spite of?
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