true greatness

On being a Sibolista:

"In most meetings, the members sit on the stage floor as a reminder of humility. Seniority means service: It is tradition that the seniors eat last, ride last, leave for home last. If there is not enough food, the seniors go hungry.."

- lifted from Inquirer Compact
December 22, 20005
[Dulaang Sibol is the theater group of the Ateneo High School]

cured amnesia

Christmas should be that time of the year when you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, possess this certain feeling of peace and elation that is a bit ethereal, and generally just feel "good".

well, it's the exact opposite for me.

apart from the Christmas lights sprawled on our garden, and the chilly breeze that blows occasionally, all that makes of my Christmas, is the 13th month pay that i received (and had to prepare).. the numerous gifts mom wrapped for our staff (and their children).. the red "ampao" envelopes i have to fill for my godchildren (God knows how many of them i now have!).. the hot chocolate (my favorite comfort drink of all times) i take during my quiet time in the morning and before anyone else at home awakens.. and the same pesky (forgive me Lord) children beating their make-shift drums while they shout off-key Christmas carols at the top of their lungs who come back our house every single night since the first of December and whom we sometimes, er, most of the time deliberately ignore (forgive us again, Lord).

instead of the lightness in heart, i am bogged down by this thing called worry:

1. we recently discovered a subscriber who tapped 4 extensions into his house/apartment ILLEGALLY. and they're being hard-headed despite the charges filed against them.
2. our only IT staff finally decided to work abroad (he who works skillfully and swiftly and whom we have depended much of our media content with).
3. two of our blocktimers have been very delinquent with their payments (3 months minimum and the entire year tops), that i personally want to cut off their broadcast.
4. the year is already ending and we still don't have a decent financial statement.
5. we bear much pressure while we await to see if our holiday promo clicks.
6. our three househelps are quarelling like crazy. it is such a burden just to see them point their fingers at each others' faults.
7. we have incurred a lot of expenses lately that we're always on the guard to make sure our bank account has sufficient funds (imagine how difficult it would be to break the news to our staff if we can't give their 13th month pay on time because we're not liquid. that is just heartbreaking.)

so tell me, how am i supposed to enjoy Christmas?

but all these just boils to one thought:

that i am NOT in control.
God is.

and that worrying will not make things easier. nor solve any of these problems.

amidst this chaos, i was reminded. i have remembered to call on the only Supreme Being who is immensely capable of turning things around for me. you see, i have this mild case of amnesia. and sometimes i easily forget.

come to think of it, i have never been this much closer to Him than any other Christmases i've had.

paradigm shift.

isn't that what this season ought to be? it may not come in the exact packaging we expected it to be, but the lesson stays the same: REMEMBER our Lord and Saviour.

when was the last time you remembered?

expensive gifts: not necessary

it doesn't take much to please me. really.

the "no occasion"-just-before-December gifts i received from two men close to my heart were probably more significant than any other i received.

coming from his sem break in Manila, my cousin Bene, a true blue techie guy like me, brought home a mini-tripod. it's probably one of the few gadgets i find useful-- specially for shots that need to be taken during night time. i don't trust my shaky hands. and if i want my photo without the shadow from my shaking, this tripod would be best to capture people with a scenic, well-lit background. after much cajoling and wheedling, he finally caved in, at the same time uttering "o yan na Christmas gift ko sa'yo ha".

cost: P200 (if you're good at haggling, you can even bring it down to P150!)

my dad also brought home a laptop paraphernalia. i'm not really sure how it's called. it's sort of a flashlight with a clip. he explained he wanted a light for him to see the keyboard when working at night. and without even finishing his spiel, he brought out another nifty one for me. haha. i know for a fact that he got it only for less than P100, considering he bought it from Divisoria's cheap 168 mall.. (it's surprising how this mall can turn on any person's "i want to go shopping" button. my dad's been going crazy buying stuff from this store!). yet, i am pleased with his thoughtfulness. and the thought that he knows i'd be delighted to have one. and just like my cousin, he commented "yan na Christmas gift ko sa'yo ha?"

i hope dad's just joking.

when not using it on my laptop, it doubles as a nightlamp for any book.

any normal person would find it absurd to receive these cheap gifts as Christmas gifts.

but quite frankly, i don't care. i'm actually pleased.

uberly pleased!

three mistakes + an unquenchable thirst for adventure

bambi txted 24 hrs early informing me that she's arriving in vigan. she's spending the night over. and the following day.. would be her birthday. she's the second person i know who cries on their birthdays. it must be the realization that they're nearing the big three-o. yet, they feel they haven't accomplished much.

so i decided to get her mind off it. we started the day by having dad's AUV carwashed. i didn't want to show her around with a dirty vehicle. First Mistake.

afterwards, we took an early lunch and watched FlightPlan with the free cinema tickets i got from my sister. by 1:30pm when the movie was over, i was running out of ideas where to bring her since she's been to Vigan twice and have seen most of the tourist spots already.

then i got a "lightbulb" moment. there's this museum which i always pass by heading north that i haven't seen yet: Magsingal Museum. i also remembered seeing a sign "Pikkang Falls" when i visited the adjacent town (San Juan) a few days ago. Without any second thought, off to the museum and falls we went.

Our museum tour was a breeze. Finding the falls proved to be a challenge. I have just seen the sign once. and i had no idea whether trekking to the falls would be worth it. i had no idea also how far it would take to reach it. There's just this part of me that goes after what i want no matter what it takes. "I must see it. And i must go there."

Fortunately, as i was asking directions from a street vendor, one of our staff appeared on a scooter and willingly granted my request to guide us there. He switched vehicles from a scooter to a tricycle and brought another of our staff with him.

I hinted a tone of hesitation when he was saying,

"Maganda naman po, kaso malayo ang lalakarin e. Dalawa lang po ba kayo?"
[The falls is beautiful, but you have to walk far. Will it just be the two of you?]

Being the persistent spur-of-the-moment-show-me-where-the-action-is girl that i am, I shook off his worry and replied,
"OK lang. Ituro mo lang kung san puwede mag park. Kaya namin yan."
[That's OK. Just show me where to park, and we can manage by ourselves.]

They must've thought we girls were crazy. Out of their goodheartedness, they led the convoy and never let us out of their sight.

It was a rough 5 km ride. I should've brought the older SUV. SUVs are built for terrains such as those. Second mistake.

The ride was just the beginning. As we parked in a nearby basketball court, our "tour guide" announced it would be another 20-minute hike. i looked at my feet. i was wearing my punjabi sandals. *sigh* i should've worn my Sandugo (rubber sandals). it would've been more appropriate for hikes like these. Third mistake.

carwash. SUV. sandals. 3 wrong minor decisions. if this whole thing was planned, i wouldn't have forgiven myself. but it being unplanned makes these mistakes a lot more acceptable.



did i succeed? here's what she texted the following day:

gd am! smiley tnx 4 mking my day hpy..GB

more than that, i caught myself smiling at our unplanned adventure. it made my day too. .. having the day off just to wander around my province.

birthday girl taking in the beauty of Pikkang

reunited

in the four short days i was in Manila, i did a lot of catching up. met gradeschool friends, colleagues from my previous job, college friends (one of whom got married), and mission-mates.

technology has its way of paying back. most of these friends i wouldn't have gotten in touch with if it weren't for friendster.

with melvie

college peeps : quelly, me, katie, jake and judy, chris (partly hidden), racqui, melanie, and melvs

friends from mission: naida, reych, pinky, mavic, ira and kc (potential recruits), cecille
and me

gradeschool friends: janice
irene and me

split second

deciding between driving to megamall and commuting was a no-brainer. considering a) my left thigh is already sore from the city's traffic condition (... mind you, i've only been driving for less than half the day), b) i'm almost about to go beyond my 10am-3pm window (Metro Manila's leeway for motorists travelling with their coded vehicles), and c) the amount i'd be spending on parking for a 6-hour stay, i opted to take the MRT instead.

since i've been commuting to work for almost a year and a half (until i joined the family business in the province last 2003), the entire act was routinary-- walk to East Ave, take the jeep, drop off at GMA, buy a ticket, stand on the 2nd ledge from the front, and wait for the train to arrive.

everything went as usual except when we reached Cubao station, the train was stopping at a very slow motion. upon reaching its standby position, the doors opened and the engine was turned off. we waited. a minute passed. two minutes. three. five minutes. and in a split second, i smelled a foul odor normally arising from a failed combustion or a faulty mechanism, heard the sound of something resembling a stampede getting louder, saw people in front of me scurrying to get out of the train, recalled in my mind images i saw on TV of the V-day bombing, and i, out of fear, somehow managed to get out as well. all of these occured in a twinkling of an eye. while everyone waited outside the train, i uttered a prayer asking God to grant each of us PEACE. i prayed that this PEACE would come upon each passenger and overcome all fear we felt inside.

everyone was clueless about what happened, and without any explanation, the train began to slowly move away empty. just as the pandemonium took place in a split second, everyone snapped back to normal just as quick. we scuttled back onto the next train as if nothing happened. the scene inside the moving train was as normal as any other trip without the people even knowing what just occured.. and i began to wonder, "What if it was a bomb? or a failed engine even? And something actually happened? How many lives would've been taken?"

Life passes us by quickly. and all the more i see that these material and worldly things we are after are but fleeting.

October beach bumming

Pug-os Beach, Cabugao, Ilocos Sur

curious mind

I took one of those many personality tests, and the result came out pretty much true. Some of you might not even find time to read it, but what the hey?

Shawi, your subconscious mind is driven most by Curiosity

This means you are full of questions about life, people, and the potential of your future. You spend more time than others envisioning the possibilities of your life — things that others are too afraid to consider.

Your curiosity burns with an almost physical need to know and do more. It's only through new experiences that you feel a greater understanding of yourself or the world — which ultimately is the greatest way for you to feel satisfied.

It is possible that the underlying reason for your drive towards curiosity is a deeply rooted fear of boredom. That means that you are probably more susceptible than others to feel like you're falling into a rut when life slows down into a comfortable routine.

You need to make sure you have stimulation in your life — that makes you feel like you're innovating or being exposed to the ideas and experiences that truly inspire you.

With such a strong orientation towards curiosity, you're also prone to a rebellious quality that shows up when you feel you are just going through the motions, and are unable to really influence the world around you. But interestingly enough, your drive towards novel experiences also indicates an openness others don't have, but wish they did.

Unconsciously, your curiosity presses you to learn more, experience more, and get the most out of life.

Though your unconscious mind is driven most strongly by Curiosity, there is much more to who you are at your core.

The problem with a surveillance

The problem with a surveillance camera is that you cannot see everything. We have 3 installed within the perimeters of the office and yet, it doesn’t cover all we want to see. That’s why I found this prayer more effective:

“…for God has come to prove you, so that the [reverential] fear of Him may be before you, that you may not sin.”

(Emphasis mine.)
-Exodus 20:20
Amplified Bible

Every time I pray for our staff, I pray that the Lord would instill a holy fear in their hearts.. that they may not sin.

love story

remembering the death of a loved one

it's been 7 years since my brother died. it was a quick death. i didn't even had the chance to say goodbye. the last i saw of him was at the operating room of the Lung Center of the Philippines. he was lying there with tubes in his mouth and chest. his stomach bloated. "He's stable," the doctor said and sent us home. a few hours later, we received a call informing us that Marchand's dead.
my brother died on a January. when we first visited his grave November of that year, the pain was still fresh and i was totally apalled at how others celebrated All Saints and All Souls. i must admit, we used to be one of them. but it changes the way you view things specially when the one you lost is special and close to your heart. i was surprised at how this sacred event was turned into a "party" of some sort-- people spend the night, set up tents, bring food, and entertain themselves endlessly.

where is the reverence in all of this?

on a personal note, i'd like to remember my brother on a day other than November 1-- when everyone else is at home and the graveyard is all to myself. it's more intimate that way. and flowers? i don't have anything against it, except that the living would be able to appreciate it more than the dead.

@-->---

today, i remembered the death of another loved One. on our two-day retreat, we watched a portion of the "Passion of the Christ". and as it did the first time i saw it, i was a tad emotional.

alright, not a little. i was emotional.

a little too emotional probably, since i was already trying to choke back the tears, but i shed a handful of tears anyway (to say a bucket would be exagerrating it).

while everyone else was remembering the dead, i was remembering Someone who died for me with no other reason but love on His mind. i cried not because of the gore, but because i felt His love emanating from each wound He suffered.

it was because of His love that He died for you and me.

it was because of the pressures in life that He sweat blood. He took the shame and the hurting words that would've been ours when His face was smitted by a rod. it was to take our pride and poverty that He wore a crown of thorns. He took 39 major lashes on His back to spare and heal us from any incurable disease. He considered our inconsistencies in life and our unfaithfulness to Him when His knee was broken while carrying the cross. He saw our wounded heart when His side was speared. and He saved us from all our unrighteous deeds and ancestral curses when His hands and feet were nailed on the cross.

that's how much He loves us. and there is no greater love than this.

all we have to do is receive.

sing, o barren one

looking back, i found solace amidst the rhubarb. i found refuge in the keys. as i began playing to a tune, i was releasing some of my hurts and my exhaustion. the moment i played a familiar worship song, tears welled up my eyes. and though my voice was a bit croaky and wavey, i felt a sense of calm embrace me.

now, it doesn't come as a surprise that videokes are such a hit. people love to sing. and it's with singing that they let out their emotions.

i'm sure God knew about this all along. it was never a secret. that's how he wired us human beings.

Isaiah 54:1 - "Sing, O barren one, who did not bear; break forth into singing and cry aloud, you who have not been in travail! For the children of the desolate one will be more than the children of her that is married, says the LORD."

becoming Superwoman

for the longest time, my life has never been this toxic until this week. i feel like i'm being pulled on every side, all demanding a part of me.

one of our staff is on maternity leave, thus leaving me the role of a bookkeeper. in the middle of the week, our IT person asked permission to leave for Manila. a relative died. he'll be back after the long weekend. that meant i'd cover for him. my sister, who normally oversees the operations, is snorkelling somewhere in Galera, while I am left to perform the roles of 3 people. let us not leave the fact that dad is in town (he normally spends equal time both here and in Manila since most of the business transactions have to be done there). translation: i am at his beg and call 24/7 (well, that's an overstatement. but i practically have to be available for him whenever. wherever). and of course, mom's liaison officer (a.k.a. errand girl).

in my friendster account, i joke about my occupation as a COO (Child of the Owner). i'm re-thinking of changing it to AVP (any vacant position):

prepare the payroll. look for the missing check vouchers. email me this report. monitor the chatroom. make sure the internet's working. change my cellphone's wallpaper. what's the Census website? file our real estate papers and waybill the 3 titles to Manila. fax the cover page of our SEC papers. what do we do with the minicab? it's broken. order surplus tires in Rosario. are you writing this down? have you scheduled the technicians for the holiday? activate the addressable boxes. they have all timed out. call this company and ask for a price quotation. text me the product key of our licensed software. go to the next town and meet with the cable boss. have him sign this document. transfer this amount of money. prepare to teach for the retreat. attend the dryrum. look for technicians to vulcanize the tires.

WAAAAHH!!!!

i can only do so much :(

i have limitations too you know?

i'm not complaining. i just hope that they remember my turmoil when i ask for a 2-month vacation.

honestly, i was at the brink of breaking down. but i didn't. i faced all these responsibilities with enough fortitude, albeit feeble. i came, i saw, i conquered (save for the five minutes i shed a few tears).

wee

i love the wee hours of morning.

specially driving. on my drive back to ilocos from rosario, la union last Sunday, the road was practically all to myself! if i may use Jack's expression, "I am the Queen of the Road!!". it's such a pleasurable experience. no traffic. no heat of the sun. no stressful crazy drivers to compete with. and no pesky trikes popping out of nowhere, instantly killing your momentum.

pique.. vexation.. aversion

don't you just hate drivers driving on dimlights...and right before they get past you, they instantly switch to BRIGHT lights , therefore blinding you for a few milliseconds by the instant glare?

GRRRR!!! >:<

(this is more common in the provinces. the city is well-lit you don't even have to use bright lights.)

unWanted: social worker

i have reached my saturation point.

i no longer enjoy work. i find it monotonous and routinary.

i'm in that stage in life where i'm looking for my purpose... searching for my meaning. one friend calls it the quarter-life crisis.

however you want to call it, i realized that if social pressure, parents' expectations and financial capability were not factors, i'd rather be a ... social worker... roaming around the world offering my services. but you see, to be able to do that, i'd need money. lots of money. and for me to have money, i need to work. and how can i work if i'm not happy with what i'm doing?

*sigh* the cycle is so depressing.

if that's not enough to bring my hopes down, i've googled some volunteer sites (UN volunteers, volunteer abroad, etc) and discovered that "skilled" workers are highly preferred-- meaning you either have to be in the medical field. or a policy advisor. or a natural heritage protection specialist. or an environmental coastal zone specialist. you must have experience in project support. or you must have a good working knowledge in at least one of the languages (Arabic, French, Portuguese, Russian, Spanish). and the list goes on and on.

well, thank you. i am none of the above :c

yes, fate had me destined to be an average person.

i am just a simple girl who was wide awake when God showered the gift of wanderlust, who has an insatiable desire to capture the world through my digicam, and has a heart for indigents. period.

if it counts, i am low maintenance. i can easily blend in. i have a missionary's stomach (thanks to my beloved country's wide gastronomic array of street food)... i can sleep without a mosquito net... i can take a bath anywhere where there's water... i can walk for hours under the heat of the sun... i can carry loads of goods... i can survive days without computer and internet (if need be.. so help me God!)... i can pick up foreign language fast:

Japanese for "I don't speak Nihongo": Sumimasen nga, Nihongo wa wakarimasen;
German for "Good morning": Guten Morgan;
Hindi for "I'm full": Paet Barghiya;
Karen for "Jesus loves you": Kasa Yuwa Ena;
Greek for "God bless you": Theos Evloeate;
Taiwanese for "I don't understand": Wo pu chi tawa;
Italian for "Let this be our prayer": Nella mia preghiera;
Chinese/Mandarin for "Thank you": Shih Shieh;
Arabic for "Thank you": Shukran

...and adapt to a country's English accent or manner of speaking:
* Australian: G'day might! Care for some wo-tah? There's heaps. Heloi.
Translation: Good day mate. Care for some water? There's plenty. Hello.
* Indian: You dress smart. You look like a doll. Let me take some snaps.
Translation: You dress well. You are beautiful. Let me take some photos.
* Swedish: Folksvagen. Vat is ze mater viz you? Vatefer.
Translation: Volkswagen. What is the matter with you? Whatever.

...just so they pick me.

but no. sadly, my qualifications do not fit the bill. either you have the money or you have the skills.

had i known volunteering held such :high: standards and so much requirements, i would've joined "Pinoy Big Brother" or "Game Ka Na Ba?". maybe winning my first million would be easier. i'd be happy being just a philanthropist.

currently in my playlist::

"Just a Ride"
Jem






"Bad Day"
Daniel Powter




"Chariot"
Gavin DeGraw

Whyosis

i have not been myself lately.

the first few paragraphs of Rod Nepomuceno's Monday (Oct. 10 '05 to be exact) column It's a Wonderful Life has put words in my mouth.

i'm in that stage in my life where i suffer a mild case of "Whyosis".

***

in the meantime, i find comfort in knowing that my God still accepts me as i am.

Psalms 51:17 - The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.

at a loss for words

...

myheart

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately corrupt; who can understand it?

- Jeremiah 17:9

pork

a few months ago, i decided to cut back on my pork intake. just to be fit. then i read a portion of Don Colbert's book, "What Would Jesus Eat?". On page 49, he gives a very scientific explanation:

"Pigs eat enormous amounts of food, and this dilutes the hydochloric acid in a pig's stomach. This in turn allows toxins, viruses, parasites, and bacteria to be absorbed into the animal's flesh..They [swine] will eat garbage, feces, and even decaying flesh. All that is eaten usually becomes part of the pig's own flesh. Pigs readily harbor parasites including Trichinella, the pork tapeworm, and toxoplasmosis."

That explanation was sufficient to keep me from eating pork. Ever.

Global Pinoy

The past few months looked particularly bleak knowing that some of my fellow Filipinos are at their best trying to oust our incumbent president. Sigh. It's difficult to utter the phrase "I'm proud to be a Filipino" these days.

But God must've heard the faith of other Filipino hearts crying for change. for transformation. for hope. and decided to bring lit'l blessings along our way.

Last sept. 15, Manny Pacquiao brought pride back into our country by relinquishing his throne after being crowned the new WBC International Super Featherweight champion.

And just this Monday, another world title was bequeathed to our beloved Philippines as Precious Lara Quigaman was crowned the Miss International 2005, besting contestants from 52 other countries.

To Manny and Lara, thank you for being our "heroes"--you allow us to face the world with our chins held a little higher and our shoulders a little straighter.

Go global pinoys!

add another pride, click here to vote:

what a girl wants

(this happened a month ago)

It was a particularly turbulent afternoon. The sky was grey when I left the house and a storm was starting to build up. I only have three days in Manila and I have to make the most out of my stay. I called up long-time friends and decided to meet up with them in a new mall at the heart of Quezon City.

As I was finishing up lunch with my first friend, the lights unexpectedly went out. Within just a few minutes, the generator was up and running. My second friend arrived when my first was about to leave.

We agreed on watching a movie. We paid a premium for the tickets since the theatres have reserved seats.

We entered right before the movie was just going to start when a personnel announced that we had to transfer to another hall due to some “technical problems”. All of us were already heading towards the exit when a student shouted “How about our seats?” The personnel must have unheard the comment. (or probably… did it on purpose). I quietly thought to myself “To our original numbered seats, of course.”

Apparently, we were transferred to a smaller theatre. Everybody was on a ruckus when we got inside and I overheard patrons whispering “the seats are now first come first served”.

What?!! That didn’t seem right. I had to clarify that with their staff. And clarify I did.

The rumor is true. People can sit anywhere they want.

That’s unfair! That’s when my temper began to rise. So what was the premium for? I asked to talk to their superior. He did all his best to explain, but I wouldn’t budge. Even if my friend was clamming up, I was determined to get my money’s worth. It wasn’t our fault that their equipment conked out (which was most likely due to the power failure brought about by the lightning and thunder). The cinema theatre officer was already offering me another movie. No, the only movie I wanna watch is “Must Love Dogs”. How about watching it another day? Can’t. I’m leaving for Ilocos tonight and I am not returning til the following month.

The senior officer must have figured out I’m beginning to be a pain, he finally conceded. Haha.

He gave us a full refund and led us inside to watch.

Between me and the college girl, who do you think got what she wanted?

p.s. I’d like to thank the many subscribers we have in the province. Without them, I wouldn’t have practiced the art of complaining.

discovering dad

Since dad lacked organizing skills, he tasked me to sort through his files—real estate, vehicle properties, business magazines, and some work related documents found in between. Each paper I unearthed revealed some things I have not previously known. I discovered truths about the family business—
a number of them are common, and others shocking… even to the point that it hurts. It stings. Plain cruel. Labor complaints. Closures. And the like.

As I put myself in his shoes, I feel the pain. I imagine the sleepless nights he must have had—the turmoil of facing your employees and breaking the news.

That’s why I admire him. Never in my life have I seen him break down. He always has this happy countenance. He always looks at the positive side of things. I wish I was like him. See, I have pessimistic tendencies. But whenever I’m around him, he changes my perspective. Suddenly, this world becomes a little better place to live in.

can't leave home without 'em

the power of words

Wanting to hear what our staff has to say about their work, my sister came up with a “survey” requiring them to fill in the blanks. The sentences vary from: “The best part of my job is...”, “I will stay long with the company because…”, “I don’t like it when my superiors…”

When the results came out, the replies varied from the usual (“higher salaries”) to the expected (“allowing us to grow by sending us to trainings”) to hard core truths (“they always see our mistakes and miss out on our accomplishments”).

After reviewing their reactions and comments, little by little a part of me was being crushed. Why is the truth painful?

I admit words can hurt. They are powerful. And they stay. No matter how much I want to shake it off me, it manages to cling to every part of my being… when I reflect by myself… during lunch break… in the bathroom… before I sleep… I am so tempted to look away. Turn a blind eye…a deaf ear.

But, we brought it upon ourselves. We asked for it. We got them. Straightforward. Without any pretensions.

Looking back, I like to think that I picked up a lesson attached to it.

Aside from the fact that I have some character flaws to iron out, I saw it the other way around: how I tend to complain to God (with Him being the boss, and me being the employee). I am turned off by what I saw. I can get filthy. And I can clearly imagine how God must be hurt with my demands. “Compensate me for my overtime pay praying.” “Give me more blessings, like a trip to Russia.” “What’s in it for me when I read the Bible?”

Such an unsightly sight (forgive me for being redundant), but definitely an eye-opener.

The next time I hear myself whining, maybe I should go over and review the staff survey.

That would bring me back to my feet. And keep me grounded.

i love photos

it's on my floor...





my door...





and on my cabinet.





i can't get enough of it!!!

blog-unication

In the School of Leaders module, I read that there are 4 Levels of Communication:

1. “Cliché” conversation: it is superficial. Greeting, exchange of words without entering into detail, there is no acquaintance with people


2. Conversation about others: Viewpoint is shown but one talks about circumstances or other people.


3. Conversation where ideas and judgments intervene. Subjects are raised but there are no deep chats.


4. Frank and sincere conversation where feelings are seen and one talks in detail. We should aim for this level.

I think blogging is a perfect way to reach the highest level at any time. You are not forced to pass by the lower levels of ostentation normally found between chatters which can sometimes be draining and time-consuming.

You go directly to your point. Write what you feel and seize the moment… while your emotions are high and the feelings are fresh…

Lately, I’ve been finding it quite cathartic.. therapeutic.. specially when there’s no one around I can talk to. It’s like having so many thoughts and feelings shouting at each other inside my head, but the moment I write them down, I slowly let each noise go.

And perhaps leave a piece of myself behind.

two cents worth

while i went about my routine check to visit other systems outside of town, i was left alone with nothing but my thoughts to mull over.

1. any of you want to get me a present? all i want for Christmas (or new years, or my birthday, or no-occasion at all) is a map of the world. i would pin it up in my room where i can mark places i've been to and would want to visit. hmm, i think even a globe will do.
2. that reminds me, these are countries included in my "to visit" list:
   
• russia (specifically st. basil's cathedral)
• afghanistan (i've been seeing emotional photos of this war-torn place. i would love to take them first hand)
• any tribal place in africa (i particularly dream of being face-to-face with dark-skinned locals whose necklaces are as bright and colored as the rainbow)
3. with the plentiful time i have to kill, i'm glad i brought my notebook with me. i realized i have downloaded so much mp3s that i never had time to listen to them. it rekindled my passion for easy-listening music. i am such a sucker for acoustic guitar. the strum.. plucking.. the tweaking sound.. just love every bit of it.. specially on STEREO.
4. is it me or am i just a godchild magnet? one of our staff in La Union recently gave birth. the baby is due to be christened on December. she asked if i could be one of the child's godmother. "Sure," i replied and let out a faint smile. How could i say "No?" At some point when i was younger, i wondered why no one ever makes me their child's "ninang". sigh. i spoke too soon. now, i simply stopped counting.. can't keep track!
   
5. with the price of oil and diesel soaring every minute, i am totally considering an alternative. like getting myself a bike. a mountain bike. it would make my short trips to and fro the metro more interesting. plus, i could use some exercise anyway.
6. on my way home, i commuted on a bus and was fascinated when we passed by a group of farmers preparing for harvest. as i was peering through the window, one of them impulsively and candidly waved his hands at the moving bus. it put a smile on my face. i was tempted to wave back. that definitely made my day.

brown beauty

lifted from
The Philippine Star 09/09/2005
By Sheila Crisostomo

Only five percent of Filipino women consider themselves beautiful, according to a study released yesterday.

But despite this, the study...concluded that "Filipinas exhibit a strong sense of happiness and satisfaction with their bodies and their lives."

"When it comes specifically to beauty, again satisfaction varies by country, and to some degree by marriage and children. Filipinas top the beauty happiness scale with 87 percent saying that they are satisfied with their beauty..."

disciplinary action

today, i had to confront two of our staff. theirs was a case of theft and tampering official documents.

my mind is made up. the code of conduct states that these offenses are tantamount to dismissal. i just need to get their statements as part of the "due process".

the first one came up. he pleaded guilty. even if he is the team's senior technician, he revealed that it was the younger tech's idea.

when it was the junior tech's turn, he pleaded the same and acknowledged their fault. they were downright broke that day.

while they were speaking, i never sensed any hint of shame nor remorse. i thought, "that's tough". how could they pull it off?

alright. wait til they get a Termination Letter from me.

just as i was about to pack my things and leave, the senior tech gently asked if he could consume his compensatory leave the next two days. "Why?", i asked. "it's my son's birthday tomorrow", he replied.

then... everything just became a blur. thoughts kept pouring over my head, wondering why these things happen. i suddenly felt compassionate and thought how he's gonna feed his family after i terminate him.

yet, i begin to ask again why i have to terminate him? why is it in my hands to judge? to decide? i console myself, thinking i have been put there for a reason. people need to be disciplined, and as long as you don't discipline, they will never learn in life and keep on doing the same things over and over again. and not disciplining means you don't care enough to bring it to their attention and do something about it. all it takes is one decision. and whatever i decide upon will bear its effects on the two technicians' lives.

life is perplexing. i wish i was a teacher who just has to mark her students' grades. then, life would be simpler, wouldn't it?

veranda

this is the view from my room's veranda. i come out here during lunch break to de-stress and contemplate. reflect and process my thoughts.



looking out my window, i am suddenly transported to the vastness of this world of which i am a part of.

in an instant, all the cares of my mundane life seem to be fleeting. a speck of dust-- reduced to nothing compared to my reason for living & higher purpose in life.

all it takes is a 10-minute gaze.

i return to the office with a refreshed perspective.

err favor

why is it that everytime i do my sister a favor, i end up being in trouble?

when she asked me last week to buy for her chocolate blocks for her baking, i was caught by an MMDA officer for violating traffic rules. thanks to the many changes in Manila by the way, that i can't keep track of the MANY one-way lanes and the u-turn slots.

the last time i did her a favor, she wanted me to shop for items she failed purchasing while in hongkong. in return, i missed my flight when i reached the airport an hour late.

maybe i should stop doing her favors. that way, i lessen my risk of being ripped off. haha.

PERPETUATE

this entry was posted by a kuwaiti university professor:

Compartmentalized

The weekend has landed on our consciences. It’s here. What do people in their upper 20’s and 30’s do? That is the tricky question, especially if you are single. Most places are flooded with youth and families. The government and private businesses have neglected to look into this because it may be a minor demographic business venture to pursue in Kuwait. While out, one is pressed into getting married because that is the primary perception. And, for the few of us who use marriage as a pathetic excuse to depart loneliness, ironically, we soon end up divorced or displaced and felt misused because of it.

Nevertheless, this rare-breed singles age group disembarks out in this nether reality called ‘the Kuwaiti weekend.’ Our souls stalk others with eyes of wisdom in such places as cafes, beaches, gatherings, and other social functions. Our multiple identities whisper through others’ collections of characters. A few eyes target and beam seduction onto one another, or aim and shoot hatred at each other. It’s foreplay for the soul. It’s exercise for the mind. It’s a beckoning for deletion of transparency.

Few successes appear but they entail chasing and heavy pursuing of cheap cigarette talk and fragmented cliches of worlds we choose to leave but get quick-sanded into knowing. Telephone numbers are exchanged: personalities are advertised: individualities rebooted each and every time. We are all out looking for colors of love from friendship to romance to idolatry.

As the small amounts of hours of pleasure hypnotize and jolly your foundation due to having marketed and temporarily lent your BEing, you end up with the direct opposite sensation as you are home later on and your soul is dripping: leaking. Pondering how so many people have sifted through you; disposed of you as you have done the same to them. Contemplating why you do not remain with one for a long time. Thinking of ‘how and why,’ while almost all of them have also ended up in the same state as you because their egos made it hard to release themselves to someone not of the same merit.

Although your abundant friends, or should I say acquaintances, are there to ‘help’ you, to smother you, to conditionally love you whenever through what they think is unconditional love, you somehow are still alone in a world. The very same world that is striving desperately to be your family is not recognizing its overt powerful exertion. It dumps you into an uninvited refuge of loneliness, as a result. One is left addicted to hating love; addicted to loving depression. One is stripped into being *COMPARTED with a *MENTALITY very different than what he has been taught to adore: COMPARTMENTALIZED!

* Pun intended for the meaning
(repost)

posted by TANTALIZE-PERPETUATE @ Thursday, August 25, 2005

--
his are:
profound thoughts.. stinging truth.. naked reality..
read more of his blogs here

liberated

LIBERATING

i have come to accept the fact that ever since i joined the family business, my life now revolves in a rural and remote place in the province. they say: "we all go back to our roots." Ilocos may be my roots, but i practically grew up in the city. even if i never really enjoyed a full urban life in my younger years, i am still drawn to the hustle and bustle-fast-paced mode of Manila..

somewhere at the back of my mind, that's where i still wanna come back to.

that, i only realized today.

a few days back, i met up with friends from church. these last two days, i found myself
networking with newfound classmates from the seminar i've attended. and just last night i was out reuniting with high school friends until the wee hours of the morning.

this doesn't sound like me at all. i'm a homebody. but i find it quite liberating.. to be able to do these without worrying about what other people will think of me. it's so freeing knowing i am not being watched and looked up to by those around me.

i love to be just myself. to be a nobody for a while. i enjoy walking along Emerald Avenue in the middle of a light drizzle. i enjoy voicing out my complaints and getting a free cinema ticket. i enjoy meeting new people and telling them my own bloopers at work. i enjoy offering a McDonald's crew a ride even if both of us are lost in Ortigas. i enjoy butting in a male-dominated conversation. i enjoy declining a bottle of beer even if that's what all my friends are drinking. i enjoy malling alone, looking for the best snorkel gear to purchase next time i'm in Manila. i enjoy not putting any make-up on even when all ladies my age are doing so.

tomorrow, i'll be back in Ilocos again. back to what i call "home". until i hear God say, "it's now time for you to leave Ilocos", i'll always be dreaming of a life in the city.

davao

just got back from a trip to davao... highlights of my trip:

1. went snorkelling at Paradise Island


2. looked for and found mom's long-lost cousins


3. enjoyed abundant fruits: rambutan, mangosteen, lanzones, and durian


4. hiking / trekking @ Eden eco-park


5. paid tribute to my alma mater-- Davao branch!


6. awed at some endangered species-- pawikan, blue crowned pigeon and peafowl

sbf (single, brown, female)

what's the deal with being 27 and having no boyfriend at all?

why do people even appear surprised if i tell them i never had any?

with all the failed relationships i've seen come and go-- those sweet beginnings and bitter endings, and marriages gone sour, why even bother getting into one when sooner or later you know you'll end up broken-hearted?

don't get me wrong. i'm not bitter and have nothing against relationships at all. i myself even dream of one day being swept off my feet. i'm a believer of passion, intimacy, and all those romantic stuff. "it's better to be hurt and have loved, than not loved at all" they say. yes, i believe in that crap too, it's just that..people treat it as some status quo, which if you don't have one, you are considered other-worldly.

in fact, i am saddened with how superficial some people see it. relationship isn't something that you have to have to be in the norm.. i don't look for it to be considered "normal". one relative even thinks i'm lesbian because i tell her i'm still "unattached and available". haha. i laugh it off.

relationship is a major decision which i think should be treated as an investment. something that needs to be taken good care of. something that requires your time and energy. NOT something that you replace soon as you get tired and bored with your partner.

i am happy with who i am now. i am contented being single. i enjoy freedom and individuality at its best. what makes them think having a boyfriend will make me any happier? probably.. when the right person comes, i will be.

i like the song which goes "it is sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along." it gives me hope that in the vastness of the universe, there's always the "right one". that's why i make sure i'm not with someone else when he comes along.

how to eat mangosteen

1. remove its crown (or as my cousins call it, the "lock")
2. squeeze
   
3. til it's cut into half
   
4. enjoy the sweet, tangy taste!
   

:: hongkong :: china :: macau ::

- JUNE 2005 -

macau : macau tower and sai van bridge

macau : guia lighthouse and fortress

macau : ruins of st. paul

macau : cobblestone streets of san malo


hongkong : avenue of stars

hongkong : avenue of stars


china : shenzhen

run

i've been doing a lot of running.

june 27 '05

2pm.
one of my spur-of-the moment decisions was to go to macau. after discussing over "yum cha" with my mission-trip-mates the possibilities of touring it by myself, i suddenly decided to go. besides, it was one of my lifelong dreams. and the timing couldn't be more perfect than today, now that i'm in hongkong. they gave me last-minute tips-- where to get cheap tickets and what to see when i get there.

6:20pm.
i was running towards the ferry terminal to catch the next trip. the travel agencies around the terminal were shouting "going to macau?" and i took the first ticket available. it was a 6:30 trip. i found myself running again to board the jetfoil. i was the last passenger to get in.

8pm.
i arrived macau safe. met my gracious hosts rose and jonathan aquino. their flat offered a breathtaking view of the Macau tower and the new bridge. i couldn't help but go down and stroll along the sidewalk and simply immerse in the beauty of it. tomorrow's gonna be a fast-paced day for me.

june 28 '05

10am.
macanese normally start the day late. as soon as i met my "tour guide", we began walking along the cobblestone streets of san malo.. ruins of st. paul church.. macau museum.. by the time we reached guia fortress and lighthouse, we were practically running. i had to catch a 12-1.30 jetfoil back to HK. we reached the maritime terminal 15 minutes before 1pm. the next trip was 1pm. by that time, i was running to board the ferry again.

2pm.
ate eds was already waiting for me at the port when i reached HK. we had to do last minute shopping and to find the other stuff my sister wanted me to buy. if i wanted to get to my 6pm flight back to the philippines, we had to do everything fast. we were again running to do our shopping, getting lunch, packing my stuff, and heading to the airport.

by the time we got to the airport, the check-in counter was already closed.

what a bummer!!!

after all those running, i missed my flight. :(

i was a chance passenger for the 9pm flight. and i ended up waiting. without even the assurance of getting into the plane back to my country.

8:30pm.
the PAL people were in chaos. seeing if they can still accommodate chance passengers. there were 7 of us waiting. i was praying. praying really hard.

"Miss Cortez!," they beckoned. my number was C1. "We can only accommodate one passenger".
i let out a sigh of relief. oh what favor from God!!!

the ground crew were rushing to get my boarding pass. i had to pay 200hk dollars more. and i was escorted to the gate after passing through immigration. and for the last time today, i was running to board the plane.

i've never ran this frequent and this intense in my entire life before... but it was worth every minute of it!

jumpin jill

i spent the night over at Majestic Hotel.

anlambot ng kama...

wheeee..

this is so much fun!!!

woo-hooooe!

ayoko na. nakakahingal.