is chivalry dead?

a British friend once commented, "English men are gentlemen."

recently, on an amtrak trip i took from eureka to san francisco, there sat an English bloke in front of the bus near the driver's side. in the conversation he made with fellow travellers, i learned and overheard that he was getting married soon to an American lady.

i never realized the truth of what my Brit friend said until this soon-to-be-married chap began chatting up with elderly folks. before long, he had to tansfer towards the middle of the bus to give way to a disabled passenger. his new seatmate happened to be a pessimistic, opinionated guy who monopolized the conversation, and yet, he still actively listened and participated. and finally, on the last stretch of our trip (bus-train-bus), the connecting ride from emeryville to san francisco was a full-house. one eccentric lady almost had to wait and catch another bus. without even thinking, this same bloke immediately offered his seat to the lady. that meant, he had to stand or half-sit on someone's arm rest throughout the entire ride.

he didn't even exert any extra effort. he just exuded "gentlemanliness".

i think i'm beginning to believe my friend.

2 nations

for some inexplicable reason, there are two people groups that are dear to my heart:

indians


and

mexicans

my idea of fun

fortuna. trinidad. they are just the most breathtaking towns in california! if there's any highlight of my US 06 trip, it would be this.

it's the little things that mean much to me: hiking. redwood trees. ocean. unplanned trips.
a good trail mix. and a hint of sunshine.

this is God's masterpiece!

redwoods

hiking the trail at Rohner Park, Fortuna, California. i am my own boondocker.

wine on happy hour

happy hour at a wine bar in san francisco
what could get better than a glass of wine and a cheese platter?

kids in church

i really love children's points of view:

***
3-year-old Reese:

"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen."

***

A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."

***

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin,
the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime.
She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word,
right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,
"but deliver us from E-mail. "

***

One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

***

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"

mastercard moment

talk about priceless.

my first ever credit card.

and it's gold!

color me

despair

“They have taken my Lord away.”

- John 20:13

Listen to the tone of desperation, and almost exasperation, in her voice.

Jesus just resurrected. And Mary, who sat everyday and never left her Master’s burial place, save for this day, worried at the sight of an empty tomb.

What would you have done, if the only thing that mattered most was taken away from you? Wouldn’t you have given anything just to get it back?

I share her hopelessness. I can never imagine a life without my God—the God who loves me in spite of my shortcomings.

birthday bash

all by yourself and celebrating your birthday in another town?

it seems Vigan has become a favorite spot. for my friends, at least. Mcar is the second friend i hosted who celebrated her birthday in our quaint town.

after showing her around town, we decided to hit the beach--Pug-os, Cabugao-- my favorite white sand beach in our side of the world.

we hitched with dad when he went farther north to attend meetings. not more than 20 minutes after we left the house, it started to drizzle.. and poured, til it drenched the roads.

not wanting to spoil our plans, mcar and i still stood by the ground to go beach-ineering. armed with an umbrella and our shared backpack, we headed the resort wondering what would become of us. we didn't let the gloomy weather get the best of us. while mulling over whether to conquer the waters or not, the resort waiters helpfully suggested that we won't freeze. being the hypothermic ? warm-blooded sun-worshipper that i am, i warmed up to the idea.

amidst the light shower, we crossed the shore and paddled our way to the ocean. and my, was i pleasantly surprised =D

here we were, in the middle of the sea, the cool rain trickling above our heads and over our faces while the lukewarm water envelopes our bodies. the water was at its stillest form, without the wind blowing over it to form waves. and just over the horizon, the sun was peeping behind the clouds trying to inch its way to give us even a hint of light.

it couldn't get any better than this!

and i was glad we came.



as the sun was setting, it created a soft peachy backdrop against our silhouettes. we capped our adventure with a cup of hot chocolate and a wedge of warm tuna melt sandwich. mmm-mm.

classics

thanks to Video City's efforts to fight piracy, these classics have become affordable and are now part of my growing library.

wow mindanao!

... next attraction

MARCH BABY

ok, so i'm not sure if this is even blog-worthy to post. it sounds a bit narcissistic, but, what the hey?

the forwarded email itemizes each month you were born and their matching personalities. here's mine:

Attractive personality. sexy. Affectionate Shy and
reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous
and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity.
Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered.
Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness.
Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up
feelings. Observant and assesses others.

amazing barter

The servant grew up before God—a scrawny seedling, a scrubby plant in a parched field. There was nothing attractive about him, nothing to cause us to take a second look. He was looked down on and passed over, a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand. One look at him and people turned away.

We looked down on him, thought he was scum. But the fact is, it was our pains he carried— our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us. We thought he brought it on himself, that God was punishing him for his own failures. But it was our sins that did that to him, that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins! He took the punishment, and that made us whole.

Through his bruises we get healed. We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost.

We've all done our own thing, gone our own way. And God has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong, on him, on him.


- Isaiah 53: 2-6 (The Message)

princess-a-waiting

no man will ever claim you unless he claims you from Me. for i reserved a man for you who has My heart and loves Me even more than he will for you. for I won't give you unless he asks you from Me.

he's asleep; don't wake him. he's busy for Me, My kingdom. soon you will know him, but I have the perfect time.

you are My princess, My daughter. let no prince claim you unless he asks you from My hand for I am your Father, the King of kings. you, My princess, are worth waiting for and I love you.

wedding photographer

on my cousin's wedding, i took it upon myself to take profiles.

here's my sister:







..do i hear Cosmo absorbing me? hehe. talents, anyone?

funny bone

it doesn't take much to make me laugh these days.

one
received this txt msg recently...

i've been pondering on these things for a long time. please help me answer:

1. does jennifer love hewitt?
2. where did vincent van gogh?
3. is marvin gaye?
4. why is norman black?
5. where did sandara park?
6. is chow yun fat?
7. what did henry sy?
8. why is alonzo mourning?
9. is lucio tan?
10. when will orlando bloom?
11. what did scooby doo?

two
and her blog.

am i plain superficial? or am i just beginning to see the lighter side of life with a lightness of heart?

widow

March 9, 2006

my lolo (grandfather) passed away today. he reached a grand old age of 82.

i didn't cry when i saw his body lying limply at the ER table.
it was time.

i've witnessed how he survived numerous accidents and illnesses and how death attempted to take his life each time but has been spared anyway.

over lunch, my family casually discussed the funeral arrangements, internment, and all necessary preparations, when i blurted out, "so, how's life gonna be for lola (grandmother)?"

even i surprised myself over that statement.

then reality sank in. i began to wept. i felt sad not over lolo's death, but for lola. what will happen to her? how will she live a life by herself? they have always been a constant companion. who will she take care of now? would life still be worth living for?

as i ponder on these thoughts, i understood why Jesus had a soft spot for widows.

"Do not exploit widows or orphans. "
- Exodus 22:22

"He gives justice to orphans and widows. He shows love to the foreigners living among you and gives them food and clothing. "
- Deuteronomy 10:18

`Cursed is anyone who is unjust to foreigners, orphans, and widows.' And all the people will reply, `Amen.'
- Deuteronomy 27:19

Father to the fatherless, defender of widows-- this is God, whose dwelling is holy.
- Psalm 68:5

The LORD protects the foreigners among us. He cares for the orphans and widows, but he frustrates the plans of the wicked.
- Psalm 146:9

Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the orphan. Fight for the rights of widows.
- Isaiah 1:17

my two thousand six

God says, "you will have a glorious future."
God will open doors of blessing and opportunity.
No more discouragement.
"There will be clear sailing and calm seas.@
-Mark 4:39

wishlist

few days before my bday (for those who forgot, it was March 2), i received an email from hi5 asking me to fill out my wishlist.

Hi Shawi,

Happy Early Birthday from Hi5! Fill in or update your wishlist and tell your hi5 friends what you would like for your birthday.

Thank you and see you soon,
the hi5 team

some items on my wishlist can't be bought, but let me post it anyway:

• tunic.
• chronicles of narnia (not only "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe", i want all of 'em).
• to sing Orange and Lemons' "Pinoy Ako" at some piazza in Italy.
• to take the siberian express and visit st. basil's cathedral.
• a map of the world that i can sprawl on my wall.
• to go sea kayaking.
• i wish my friends would return all the books and cds i lent them. anyone, please? send them through waybill or courier. i'd appreciate 'em much!
  

filth

our righteousness is but filthy rags
our iniquities take us away from God's favor
Isaiah 64:6

contemplate

my sister switched to senti mode when she took a trip to banaue. these are some text messages she sent while "emoting":

to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only.
i would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary
-Margaret Atwood

you know you're in love when you can't fall asleep
because reality is finally better than your dreams.
- Dr. Seuss

sangdaang isla

with the boondockers
feb 25 - 26, 2006

while probably the entire philippines has gone awry at the failed attempts of coup d'etat and at the president's declaration of a State of Emergency, this day, i became an official boondocker.

february 14

Miller turned 1 today!

a person who used to think Valentine's is over-rated and is being taken advantage of by candy shops and florists who use feb 14 as an excuse to extort money from innocent people.



since she joined the family business three years ago, her viewpoint totally changed when she, her mom, and sister began receiving bouquets from the most precious man in their lives :D

who can resist?

what's your Isaac?

my laptop is my isaac.

many times, it has been asked of me, yet i held on to it as if my entire life depended on it, unlike abraham, who easily gave up his son Isaac--he whom Abraham prayed for and waited 25 years to receive and he whom the Lord's promise of inheritance depended upon.

come to think of it, i've become too attached to it that it has become the center of my life! the time i spend in front of the computer is more than the time i should be spending in prayer or bible-reading. i log on at the office. and i log on when i get home. i can spend hours and hours surfing the net, overloading my soul and brain with un-useful information, and i don't even mind!

i vividly remember one stormy July afternoon when most of our office staff have gone home. Date and i stayed awhile when we heard a crackling sound. the powersupply sparked and the electricity has become unstable. fearing the spark might cause a fire, the first thing my sister grabbed was Miller, while i ran towards the table to snatch my laptop. all the time, leaving the day's collection untouched and in plain sight.

at hindsight, it's pathetic to realize where my heart was. is.

i've become too attached to it that God's telling me it's time to detach. time to de-centralize. and put back the center of my focus to the One whom it rightfully belongs. i know i've written this previously, but i seem to be not learning my lesson.

God is a jealous God. and He doesn't want anything in the way of our love for Him. idolatry comes in many forms-- and many times, not in the form we expect it to be. it can be money, or your work, or your cellphone. whatever takes your attention away from God, that's your idol. for me, it was my laptop.

and now that it's broken again, i concede.

i've been too stubborn for a long time now. red-neck, if you may say so.

in the office, i live like a gypsy--shuffling from one pc to another. it's more difficult i must admit, but then i brought it upon myself.

at least now, no more internet when i get home. just quiet time and reflection.

and it has brought tremendous results-- i'm more grateful for the little blessings, and less bitter towards my world.

maybe i should keep my laptop broken for a while.

how about you? what's your isaac?

miserable?

I picked this up from a book I'm reading.

It may be disturbing for others, but I find it quite enlightening.

Let me share. The author, Cesar Castellanos, writes:

I was praying for a woman who came to me because she and her family were having financial problems and couldn't understand the reason why.

When I asked the Lord to bless her and help her with her finances the Holy Spirit showed me what was happening in the spiritual realm. I saw Satan presenting an accusation against her before God. I saw the sin she had committed and Satan was asking God for 3 things in her life for that sin:

• her life to destroy it
• the lives of her husband and sons to destroy them
• their finances to ruin them

The Lord said, "The only thing I allow you to touch and only for a short period of time is their finances." I told the woman, "Your problem is simpler than you can imagine."

When I told her what God had showed me she was surprised and said, "I now understand why my son had an accident a few days ago and he was unharmed. It was because God was compassionate and merciful." Paul said, "...having wiped out the handwriting of requirements that was against us, which was contrary to us. And He ahs taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross" (Colossians 2:14)

Many people are ignorant of the fact that sin by itself brings damnation.

Lesson I learned? Confess up.

the only way to cleanse all past sins is to realize that all those arguments were cancelled by the redemptive work of Jesus Christ on Calvary.

'aint that something?

grand dad

one of the happiest shots taken of my lolo

Sagada Chronicles Part 2

Day 2

Plan 5:
the group we rode with [fr banaue to sagada] we found out were, mountaineers. since we were booked in the same inn, we had the chance to chat with them and they invited us to conquer sumaging cave after lunch.

they had great stories about their hike to Bomod-ok (Big Falls) the previous day that we wanted to see it for ourselves.

Reality:
this morning, we had breakfast at the famous Yoghurt House. we knew we'd have a BIG day ahead of us, so we loaded up. I had yogurt with granola. champ had ham and cheese pancake. plus, we shared a dish of wild veggies with eggplant yogurt dressing.

wild vegetables with eggplant yogurt dressing

yogurt with granola, ham & cheese pancake

YOGHURT HOUSE

back to the road.

the path we took was the same one we trekked the day before.. [the one when we got lost looking for cuisina igorota] .. and further.

we were informed that it would take approx an hour to reach the town leading to the falls.

after more than an hour, we were looking for some path leading LEFT. [based on our interpretation of the map]

there was a path going left but we weren't sure if it's the right one. it didn't have any sign. and we had no one to ask from. we were the only insane human beings walking this far from town.

as soon as a vehicle passed by, we hailed it and asked for instructions. the local said we took the wrong turn. we should've turned left earlier.

"But," he encouraged,

"you can go to Kiltepan Tower instead. This is the path leading to it."

and so, we learn from our mistakes.

the trek to kiltepan is easy. no thorny bushes. the road's rocky, but wide enough for vehicles to pass through.

atop the hill was a flat ground, ideal for camping. there, we were greeted by another group who, well, brought their SUV with them. they must've witnessed the sunrise here as we found they were about to leave.

there was a small walking path at one side of the ground.

you can't imagine my elation when we were welcomed by a spectacular view of more rice terraces!!!

Kiltepan Tower overlooking rice terraces

Plan 6:
join the boondockers (mountaineers group) after lunch to conquer Sumaging Cave.

Reality:

of all our plans, this is the only one that stuck.



another terraces view on our way to Sumaging

i wish i could elaborate the spelunking experience. but you have to be there yourself to enjoy it. =D specially for the young ones reading this.

conquer sumaging while you still have enough strength to wade through chest-high-almost-freezing pools of water, to cross one stalactite/stalagmite(?) to another with just a rope, to fit yourself in a hole to traverse to the other side, to climb up and down slippery rocks, and well, you get the picture.

with champ


pool of ice-cold cave waters

spelunking Sumaging Cave with the Boondockers!

the moment we got out after an enjoyable exploration, i could say the caves in Colordado Springs cannot even match Sagada's! haha.

we ended the day with a budget-conscious meal at the nearest eatery-- the Right Turn Cafe. they serve adobo rice for only P30!!!

our last night also turned out to be the boondockers' socials night. we must've disturbed sagada with our relentless videoke-singing. it's a good thing they had a curfew, these guys can't be stopped!!!

a night of videoke with the Boondockers

Right Turn Cafe doubles as a mini-library as well. right beside it are shelves which are little by little being filled with second-hand books imported from Alaska. it is being run by Robert (who christened himself "Biag", which in ifugao and ilocano means "life"), an Alaskan who, in his desire to contribute something worthwhile to the community, brought in bestseller books and rent it out for a minimal fee of P25/week or until the borrower finishes reading it.

i was scanning through his books and i was impressed with his collection of titles. they are really bestsellers! Michael Crichton, John Grisham, Steven Spielberg, Robert Ludlum, and the thing that caught my eye-- Tim Lahaye and Jerry Jenkins' Left Behind series. going through each of their titles, my eyes almost popped out when i saw book ten!!! my friends and my sister know how desperate i have been the past months (or is it a year alrdy?) looking for this ONE title. i must've reserved it in all National Bookstore and PowerBooks branches in manila. and now, of all places, i find it here in sagada!

Book Ten : The Remnant

i made it a point to chat with Biag. and of course, hinted on the possibility of purchasing the book. i casually told him that i am an avid reader of the series that i have each of their books. except for book ten. i pointed out that i already have book eleven, but i just keep it in my shelf since i don't have book ten yet :c. i didn't want to spoil the fun and the suspense.

as if sensing i wanted to buy it, "Why don't you come buy tomorrow. order some food to eat. let's chat. you may catch me on a good mood and i might sell it to you."

with that, this certain smile never left my face.

and so, the following day came. our last day.

the boondockers' itinerary was to climb Mt. Ampacao. i woke up with a sore body. that meant we wouldn't be joining them.

as it turned out, the group also woke up late and some of them had other excuses so the hike was entirely put off.

i was determined to get book ten today. even if i was limping my way to the Right Turn Cafe, i imagined myself holding that book and bringing it with me back to ilocos.

there we found Biag sitting in his cafe. champ and i bought adobo rice to go. that would be lunch.

as we started talking, Biag sort of sermoned that he doesn't usually sell these books. it would defeat the purpose of putting up a library. he then began professing that he's ultimate goal is to get the people of sagada reading and make them aware of the pleasure of finishing a book and be engrossed to start reading another one.

in the end, he spilled that i caught him on a good mood. and that the fact that he saw how enthusiastic i was getting that one book, made him happy. he sold it to me for P500, a bit pricey for a second-hand, but, to me it was good bargain already! the book barely had signs of being read. it looked as good as new!

Thank You God.

with Biag, and my prized possession

in my previous post, i asked God for a miracle.
this book was all the sign i was looking for :)

The Chronicles of Sagada

i thrive on unplanned trips. or anything un-planned for that matter.

take this sagada trip for example. i may have read tips and tricks on how to go about this adventure, but i met a lot of changes along the way. i am normally a control-freak, but over the years, i've come to appreciate changes. i have become more flexible and tolerant of the annoying little things that life has to offer me. come and join me for a ride as i chronicle my adventure to sagada.

Plan 1:
take the 10pm Autobus trip from Manila to Banaue

Reality:
champ and i arrived the terminal 9-ish and found out that the 10pm trip was already fully booked. good thing, they have a 9:30 that goes to lagawe-- a couple of kilometers away from banaue.

we arrived 5 am.

from lagawe, we waited a good 30minutes until we caught a bus going to banaue.

Plan 2:
from banaue, take a jeep to bontoc.
from bontoc, take another jeep to sagada.

Reality:
from banaue, we were met by very friendly locals who led us to People's Restaurant, where jeepneys headed to bontoc pass by. we took our breakfast behind the resto and it provided a refreshing mountainview

at exactly that time, we learned that a group of travellers were also headed to sagada. in a way, we were better off. it meant we won't have to transfer jeeps. the local brought us to where the group was--Viewpoint. i was delighted. it offered a breathtaking view of the rice terraces and definitely, a good photo op!!

Viewpoint, Banaue Rice Terraces
the lighting was bad-- against the sunrise :c

jeepney from banaue to sagada
stopping over at mt. polis

it's foggy at mt. polis

..and so our day went, we arrived sagada safely. booked at traveller's inn and pleased our itchy feet to explore the tiny town.

Plan 3:
it was past 12 and our packed lunch was spoiled. one of the travel guides i read online mentioned a cheap eatery--Cuisina Igorota. for only P50, you get a very tasty viand and rice-all-you can! we were out to find that.

Reality:
i particularly remembered seeing the Cuisina Igorota sign right beside the municipal hall / hospital. as we were entering sagada when we arrived, i was already taking a mental note of everything i read and i was specifically delighted to see it right away since we were on a 'shoestring'.

it must be one of those times when my memory fails me. dang.

i convinced champ that we should just walk along until we saw that sign. we were off 50 meters. 100 meters. 200 meters. still no sign. then i said, unless we see Mapiya-aw Pensione, we won't stop. [Mapiya-aw was the first landmark on my mind which signals the entrance to sagada]. we must've walked a kilometer when we already saw Mapiya-aw, and still no Cuisina Igorota :c

oh well. "why don't we explore this place, anyways? i read that behind it is a beautiful rock garden," my faint attempt to keep our spirits up and our minds off food.
yet, we were pleasantly surprised to find a treasure beneath the hill!












we must have hiked a good one hour. on our way back, our quest to find Cuisina Igorota was yet again interrupted. i stopped at a store to ask about their wines. it was one pasalubong i'm sure my parents will love. we sampled 3 flavors-- bugnay, cherry , and lemon. as we were chatting with the local saleslady, she asked if we've been to the nearby falls. as if on cue, both champ and i got excited at the thought of exploring another scenery. so instead of lunch, we found ourselves walking up the hills and through the rice paddies.





i don't have evidence of the falls. we were at the top and at the wrong angle.

by 4pm, we decided we were really hungry, and needed fuel.

when we reached the hospital, the sign was where i thought it would be. it was there all along, just not facing away from the town proper. sheesh.

at 4pm, i doubted if they still served lunch. true as i thought, the only thing left from their menu is a plate of lechon kawali-- something i stopped eating when i took on my no-pork diet. but the cook gladly offered to serve something else-- only if we could wait. we didn't have much of a choice so we waited. and the wait was worth it. i only requested veggies, yet it was so tasty, you'd never realize the only ones they had were squash/pumpkin and baguio beans! =D

Plan 4:
previously, we bought a colored map of sagada back at the wine store. scanning through it, we rationalized that the next best stop would be the church. it would be an easy walk. then we'd hit the sack and snooze. we haven't had any decent sleep since we left manila 9pm the previous night. and although the stretch from banaue to sagada was a lengthy 3hours, the road was bumpy enough not to lull you to sleep.

Reality:
we realized that visiting the church was such a breeze. we reached the end in less than 10 minutes. looking back at the map, we saw that the nearest spot we could explore was the Echo Valley -- where the hanging coffins are.

what makes the nature hikes in sagada challenging is the fact that there are no signs. and the map that we bought proved to be utterly useless since it's not detailed. meaning the curves could mean the next hill, or the next mountain. trusting our instincts, we hiked along paths that seem to leave a trail. we already reached the top of the hill and the only thing we saw was a distant rock/limestone formation with just a minute coffin hanging on it.

so disappointing.

we were deciding whether to go down the valley or just view the coffins from the cliff when we heard a man yelling--making some noise as some sort of a signal. as he was headed our way, we grabbed the chance to ask about the path leading to the coffins. Mang Ben off-handedly revealed that he was looking for his cow. and that he used to be a tour guide when he was much younger. and so, he willingly accompanied us downhill and through each of the burial sites. [for those planning to go to echo valley, make sure you wear pants. the bushes can get nasty] as he led us to each site, he also had some historical stories to share. very educating.

to us, he's the famous Mang Ben!

at the bottom of the valley, he led us to a different path going back to town. through some more rocks and one cave. i was really glad we bumped into him as it was already getting dark when we hit the main road. i was huffing and puffing on our climb up and there he was, still going strong! he was in a hurry to go home. he still had to feed his pigs. ;)

.... to be continued ...

another sneak peek

sneak preview

details comin' up in a few days...

it's all coming back to me now

there must be some purpose behind all of my miseries.

the Words pastor shared during bible study were timely. it helped me put perspective back in life. here are bits and pieces [all in Amplified version]:

Why are you cast down, o my inner self? and why should you moan over me and be disquieted within me? Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for i shall yet praise Him, my Help and my God.

-Psalm 42:5

"..since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses.., let us strip off and throw aside every encumbrance (unnecesary weight) and that sin which so readily (deftly and cleverly) clings to and entangles us, and let us run with patient endurance.. the race that is set before us.."

-Heb 12: 1

.. how can one hope for what he already sees? But if we hope for what is still unseen by us, we wait for it with patience and composure.

-Rom. 8:24-25

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden and overburdened, and I will cause you to rest. [I will ease and relieve and refresh your souls.]

-Matt 11:28

CATCH ME IF YOU CAN

i'm beginning to feel that God doesn't particularly like me this year. :(

when last year, i felt like i was living Joseph's (the Dreamer) life, this year, it's worse. i feel God wants me to taste a slice of Job's.

2006 did not start pretty well for me. our IT guy just left (for good) in time for the holidays. one of our computer-dependent Chat channel is on dead-air because it was hit by a virus (which i think was contracted locally). all of our icons are suddenly being converted into Microsoft Word and the author's address? Pagburnayan, Vigan. great! "love thy neighbor." grrr.

i instinctively, er instinctly? checked the other computer-dependent Videoke channel as well and to my surprise, it caught the same virus. 2 channels down at the start of the year.

within the same day, i heard one of our nearby town system had 3 of their channels cut off. disconnected due to nonpayment. we may be at fault here, but by industry standards, we are being overcharged! in a town with less than 300 active subscribers, this program provider is charging us for 350+ subs!

and it didn't end there. a few days later, dad called to inform me that one of our staff in La Union has been stealing money. he's doing the reports properly, but he's not depositing the money. he has been exposed. but i plead partially guilty since it was my job to monitor these things when i do my routine rounds. i have been noticing the late deposits but upon asking the oic, he explained using some of the money to cover for operating expenses. i thought it was a reasonable excuse so i took it lightly. he probably took advantage of my absence for 2 months (the time when i was covering for our 2 staff on maternity leave) and only deposited every after few weeks.

a lot of things have been happening way beyond my control and i feel very frustrated. and useless.

include this latest: i was so paranoid with the 2 virus-hit pcs that i had to protect my laptop too. i performed all the necessary maintenance procedure (defrag, speed disk, optimization) when at the middle of it, my laptop suddenly crashed and displayed an error msg: ntoskrnl.exe is either corrupt or missing. dang!

and so i put it off for a while. i didn't want another problem to bother me while i am still recuperating from my previous miseries. the time came when i had to face it. and face it i did. i was told that it can be remedied by reinstalling the OS. i took out the installer and went through all the process. i don't consider myself techie when it comes to hardware so i just obeyed as instructed by the CD. at the back of my mind i feared that i might lose all my files, yet i was stubborn to just get the installation over and done with. i need to use my laptop! i can't get any work done without it.

the installation was quick and i was happy my laptop would be up and running.. until i found all my files deleted. all the files i'd be needing to be able to work was gone. kaput!

i have no one to blame but myself. for a moment there i just wanna cry :'( i wanna tell myself "i told you so" yet, i feel so utterly stupid!!!

*sigh* i feel like i'm carrying some form of a burden and begin wondering if i have been cursed.

i know i have become materialistic and selfish and stubborn and rebellious lately. and now i have come to my wit's end. i have become proud, thinking i am a super-woman who can do almost anything and fix whatever's broken. but i'm not. and i can't.

God has finally caught my attention.

and i think that's the bottom line. in a busy world that i manage to surround myself in, i became elusive. i wanted out. i wanted to escape for a moment from His hand and live the world i want to live in. do things my way. and feel free inside. my priorities have been messed up. and i've suddenly lost everything i held on to.

but i guess it doesn't work that way. we live by rules and boundaries. and once you go beyond the line, you suffer the consequences. i know He is a jealous God. and i have crossed the border. my attention has been turned to the lures of this world--media, tv, computer, internet-- and away from Him. i have lost sight of my First Love.

i'm sorry, Lord.

P.S. can You at least give me a miracle? or a send me a small sign just so i know You still care? that i am still loved in spite of?